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Shut Up, You NL/AL Central Loving Hillbillies
What is this nonsense I keep hearing from the mouths of fans of teams that play in the Flyover-State Divisions? Shit like, “tomorrow’s the real opening day” and “the real baseball season doesn’t start until tomorrow”. Sounds like an extension of Palin’s “real” America rhetoric to me.
Listen up, hillbillies. Baseball season starts tonight, and it’s gonna be played in the northeast between two blue state teams. The Yankees are bringing back Nick “The Stick” Johnson and his .400 OBP, while the Red Sox are sporting a much improved defense, with UZR studs like Mike Cameron and Adrian Beltre. I know, I know. Sabermetrics is part of a socialist plot, perpetrated by Ivy League elitists, like Theo Epstein.
So set up some lawn furniture and hook up an extension cord from your tv set to the car battery of your pickup truck, which is probably also parked on your lawn. Get ready to see how baseball is played up here. But make sure your shotgun is by your side, in case a U.S. Census worker shows up during the 7th inning stretch.